Description Prologue: The Flower That Came to Me, My Child Chapter 1: What Is a Parent? Section 1 | How Should We Raise Our Children? 1. What Will We Pass Down to Our Children? 2. The Parent-Child Relationship Shapes a Child's Lifelong Personality 3. 100% of a Child's Problems Arise from the Relationship with Their Parents Section 2 | What Kind of Parent Am I? 1. A Comfortable, Good-Natured Person — Secure Attachment 2. Someone Who Feels Uncomfortable Around Others — Dismissive Insecure Attachment 3. Someone Who Feels Anxious When Alone — Preoccupied Insecure Attachment Chapter 2: How Does a Child Grow? Section 1 | Memory Shapes the Child 1. Memory Shapes the Child 2. The Mechanism of Memory 3. What Develops the Child's Brain, and What Destroys It Section 2 | Emotional Expression Is Essential for Survival 1. What Are Emotions? 2. Emotional Expression Is the Link That Connects Parent and Child Section 3 | Being Smart? Being Highly Adaptable to One's Environment 1. Environmental Adaptability Is the Ability to Receive Help from Others 2. Social Skills Are the Ability to Empathize and Show Consideration Chapter 3: Raise Your Child This Way Section 1 | Raise a Child Who Is Comfortable and Good-Natured — 10 Virtues for Raising a Happy Child Section 2 | Q&A on Raising Children Appendix 1: A Method for Exploring the Relationship Between Yourself and Your Parents — The Adult Attachment Interview Appendix 2: Case Examples of the Adult Attachment Interview Appendix 3: How Does a Child's Brain Develop? From the Book In shaping a child's personality, the attachment relationship with the mother plays a more important role than the child's innate temperament. When a baby cries out for its mother and the mother quickly notices and responds to what the baby needs, the baby learns that whenever it wants something, its mother will always help and reassure it. The child also comes to hold the positive belief that 'My mother plays happily with me and always notices and takes care of what I need. Being with my mother makes me feel at ease and comfortable. Since being with my mother felt joyful and comfortable, it will be the same with other people too.' Because the mother has always focused on and responded to the child, the child develops self-esteem, believing 'I am worthy, I am someone deserving of love.' At this point, an image of a good mother forms in the child's mind, and this image gives the child strength to overcome difficulties whenever they arise. —p.32, from "Attachment Is an Innate Survival Instinct" From early in life, by consistently responding sensitively to and empathizing with the child, the message parents must consistently convey is: "We are always watching you, and we are always listening to you. You are precious and meaningful. We like you just as you are. We understand what you say, and we will respect and respond to your reactions." By responding to the child's smile with a smile, and empathizing verbally with the emotions the child feels, an exchange of intimate signals occurs between parent and child. Through the process of sharing these signals, the child develops a sense of belonging — a feeling of being connected to a very safe and good being. Furthermore, the child comes to believe that 'I am not alone in this world,' and internalizes the value that 'I am a good person.' The child develops an unshakable belief that 'I have always been, still am, and will always be a good person, connected to people who understand me.' With this belief, the child can understand and accept other children—and later, neighbors, colleagues, and many other people—with a much broader and more open heart. —pp.164–165, from "The Feeling of Being Understood Nurtures Social Skills" The idea that 'introversion is not okay' is a prejudice. First, let go of the illusion that only sociable, outgoing types can make a living in this tough world. The belief that one must be assertive to succeed and get ahead has reached the level of near-delusion. In the end, it is the delusions of adults that make children even more withdrawn. Being shy is nothing to be ashamed of. A child who is easily embarrassed may not even dare to sing in front of others. But that is nothing to be ashamed of. When guests come over, adults often ask the child to sing, and the shy child tries to slip away. Then someone says, "How embarrassing—a boy who can't even sing one song?" and...