Description Introduction Chapter 1. Conditional Parenting Two Ways to Raise a Child The Effects of Conditional Parenting Chapter 2. Giving and Withholding Love Love-Based Time-Outs Withdrawal of Affection: An Even Harsher Punishment Rewards That Fail The Problem with Praise The Controversy Over Self-Esteem Chapter 3. Excessive Control Which Children Listen Well? The Opposite Effect The Cost of Control Reduced Ability to Regulate Calorie Intake / Reduced Morality / Reduced Interest / Reduced Learning Ability Chapter 4. The Cost of Punishment Why Does Punishment Fail? Punishment Makes People Angry / Punishment Glorifies the Use of Power The Effectiveness of Punishment Eventually Fades / Punishment Damages the Relationship with the Child Punishment Causes Children to Forget What Really Matters / Punishment Makes Children Self-Centered Chapter 5. Forcing Success You Must Do Well in Academics You Must Do Well in Sports The Pressure of "Must" Chapter 6. What Gets in Our Way? What We See and Hear What We Believe Our Thoughts About Children / Our Attitude Toward Children / Obsession with Competition / Children's Abilities / Obedience Karma / Religious Beliefs / Black-and-White Thinking What We Have Experienced What We Fear Fear of Being an Inadequate Parent / Fear of Being Weak / Fear of Being Judged Fear for the Child's Safety / Fear of Spoiling the Child / Fear of Being Too Permissive Chapter 7. The 13 Principles of Unconditional Parenting 1. Reflect 2. Reconsider Your Own Demands 3. Focus on Long-Term Goals 4. Prioritize the Relationship 5. Change Your Perspective, Not Just the Behavior 6. Show Respect 7. Be Honest 8. Say Less, Ask More 9. Don't Forget Your Child's Age 10. Assume Your Child Has Reasonable Motives 11. Don't Insist on Unnecessary Opposition 12. Don't Be Inflexible 13. Don't Rush Chapter 8. Unconditional Love Moving Toward Unconditional Love What to Minimize Reduce the Frequency of Criticism / Narrow the Scope of Criticism / Lessen the Intensity of Criticism / Find Alternatives to Criticism What to Maximize What You Can Do Instead of Threats What You Can Do Instead of Bribes Your Child's Successes and Failures Collaboration Between Teachers and Parents Chapter 9. Choices for Children The Benefits of Choice First Expression of Opinion and Final Decision-Making Power Deciding Together False Choices The Limits of Limits When a Child Doesn't Want to Do What They Need to Do 1. Minimize Intervention 2. Be Honest with Your Child 3. Explain the Reason 4. Turn It into Play 5. Set an Example 6. Offer as Many Choices as Possible Giving It a Try Chapter 10. Thinking from the Child's Perspective The Moral Child 1. Pay Attention to Your Child 2. Model a Moral Life 3. Let Your Child Put It into Practice 4. Talk It Over with Your Child Shifting Perspectives Seeing Through Your Child's Eyes Appendix: Parenting Styles in Relation to Culture, Class, and Race Acknowledgments Notes References Index Inside the Book "A child who behaves with astonishing obedience is trying to do what their parents want and become who their parents want them to be—but the price they pay is losing their sense of self." (p.11) This book doesn't deny that children sometimes misbehave. But children aren't little monsters who need to be tamed and made to submit—they simply need guidance and support. A child can be compassionate yet aggressive, altruistic yet selfish, cooperative yet competitive. Which traits win out depends on how the child is raised—including whether the child grows up feeling unconditionally loved. (p.33) Education experts say that what matters most in a classroom isn't what the teacher taught, but what the student actually learned. The same is true at home. What matters is the message the child receives, not the message we believe we're sending. (p.39) Bad parenting is easy. We can punish a child's misbehavior without much effort. "One-sided" methods usually require no thought. "Collaborative" methods, on the other hand, demand much more of us. Naturally, if we're not used to collaborative approaches and don't know any alternatives, we end up defaulting to one-sided methods. (p.158) You can spoil a child by giving them too many things, but you cannot spoil a child by giving them too much love. As one author put it, the root cause of what we call a "spoiled" child is that they received far too much of what they wanted, and far too little of what they truly needed.